Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?? He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.