Friday fun post for 02/11/2007

Another Friday fun post. Thankfully I’ve got today booked off work for a long weekend :)

A woman is standing, naked, in front of a mirror. She says to her husband, “I’m horrible, fat, and ugly,could you pay me a compliment and cheer me up?”

Husband replies………….

“Well, your eyesight’s f**king spot-on!”

Christmas gift ideas?

How about a USB toaster, or a Sounds of the Rainforest Smoke Alarm (complete with remote control with “Snooze” facility)?

Fake USB toaster thumbnail

Fake smoke alarm box thumbnail

(from The Onion store via BoingBoing)

Need a new wife?

Wife Trader (400px)

Embarassing moments

This was lifted from a post on Visordown, which was almost certainly lifted from elsewhere.

A radio station in Ireland ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener’s lives. The final four were:

4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘if you don’t let me go right now, I’ll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy’s willy last night’.

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled ‘SURPRISE’. My entire family – parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX SUPERSIZE’. But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word ‘Tampax’ for ‘Thumbtacks’, and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: ‘Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?’

And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Irish University , during a biology lecture.A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, ‘If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?’ The professor responded, ‘yes, that’s correct’, adding some statisticaldata to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, ‘Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?’ After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question: “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat”.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a relative’s grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin… 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it…

I thought to myself, these fuckers have lost the plot!!

Right, that’s about it for today, I have things to do! :)