OK, these are old, but they still gave me a chuckle.
Contestants from the ITV (UK) Family Fortunes game-show are asked to guess the most popular answers to questions posed in a survey. These are some of the answers given.
I particularly liked:
A bird with a long neck (2): “Naomi Campbell..”
Something you lose when you get older: “Your purse..”
A sport which involves throwing something: “Tennis..”
A type of bean: “Lesbian..” (This and the one above were the product of Brian Dowling’s fertile imagination, on a celebrity edition of the show, in which the ‘purse’ answer also arose.)
Something you would play with in the bath: “A bazooka..”
Someone you wouldn’t swear in front of: “Yourself..”
A country where Arabic is spoken: “Nigeria..”
Someone or something whose existence has never been proven: “Hitler..”
A number you might have to memorise: “Seven..”
Something that makes you close your eyes: “Dark..”
Something that comes in pairs: “Rabbits..”
A way of toasting someone: “Over a fire..”
A Boy’s name beginning with the letter J: “Gerald..”
An instrument you can play while walking in the street: “A cello..”
A type of oil: “Sewing-machine oil..”
A word beginning with Z: “Xylophone..”
A slang word for a girl: “Slag..”
An animal with horns: “A bee…”
A medieval weapon: “Hand-grenade..”
Something made of wool: “A sheep..”
Something a bridegroom might wear: “A dress..”
Someone you wouldn’t expect to see in a strip club: “Animals..”
An animal with a long tail: “A rabbit..”
Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: “A magnifying glass..”
Something you put out for the birds: “Worms..”
A way to prevent snoring: “Put a pillow over his face..”
A word used to describe a very hot day: “A very hot day..”
A song from ‘The Sound Of Music’: “Dancing Queen..”
(Also from the same family: “I wake up each morning..”, “The skies are blue..”, and “Over the hills and far away..”)
Someone who works early hours: “A burglar..”
Something made to be wheeled around: “A hammer..”
A reason for kneeling: “To be beheaded..”
A nickname for a slim person: “Slimmy..”
A measurement of liquid: “Paint..”
Something that’s nice to wear next to your skin: “Pants..”
A famous Dick: “Carrot..”
A wild animal that’s native to Britain: “A bear..”
Something that Father Christmas does when he comes to your house: “Feeds your pets..”
Something that comes in 7’s: “Fingers..”
A vocalist known by only one name: “Michael Jackson..”
A yellow fruit: “Orange..”
An animal beginning with B: “Bullfrog..”
Something associated with Liverpool: “The Yellow Brick Road..”
A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: “Little Red Riding Hood..”
Something associated with Queen Victoria: “Her husbands..”
Something you hide in your socks when you go swimming: “Your legs..”
A place you would keep a pen: “A zoo..”
Something you beat: “An apple..”
Something associated with rain: “Water..”
An animal that lives in the English countryside: “A lion..”
Something you make into a ball: “Eggs..”
A game that uses a black ball: “Darts..”
A popular TV soap: “Dove..”
Other than ‘carrier’, a type of bag: “Horse..”
Something you might find in a garage: “a grand piano..”
Something a Frenchman would say Answer: “On Garde..”
A fast animal: “A hippo..”
Something you keep in the garden: “A cat..”
Something that gives you goosebumps: “Mumps..”
A character from Little Red Riding Hood: “Hansel and Gretel..”
Something that has a shell: “Batman..”
Any dance apart from the waltz: “The ball dance..”
Something a policeman might say: “Spread ’em..”
Something that frightens Dracula: “The King of the Vampires..”
A non-living object with legs: “A plant..”
A sign of the Zodiac: “April..”
An animal associated with a nursery rhyme: “Andy Pandy..”
A mode of transport that you can walk in: “Your shoes..”
An animal with big ears: “A bear..”
Something you do on water: “Wallpaper..”
A musical instrument you can play in the bath: “A drum kit..”
Something associated with Egypt: “Cigars..”
A part of your body you only have one of: “Your big toe..”
Something you pull: “A potato..”
An animal used as a form of transport: “A turtle..”
A famous Phil or Philip: “Phil Johnson..”
A habit people try to give up: “Spitting..”
A Thunderbirds character: “Doctor Spock..”
Another TV gameshow with the word ‘family’ in the title: “The Generation Game..”
A seaside resort on the south coast: ” Rio de Janeiro..”
Something you open other than a door: “Your bowels..”
Something with a red light on it: “a Dalek..”
Something that makes you scream: “A squirrel..”
A food than can easily be eaten without chewing: “Chips..”
A type of record: “A floppy disk..”
A type of large cat: “Persian..”
A job that a working dog does: “A slave..”
Something people might be allergic to: “Skiing..”
An occupation where you need a torch: “A burglar..”
A well known superstition: “Running in front of a car..”
Something you use a microchip in: “A fish-fryer..”
A dangerous race: “The Arabs..”
A game played in the dark: “Charades..”
Some famous brothers: “Bonnie and Clyde..”
A jacket potato topping: “Jam..”
A part of the body you have more than two of: “Arms..”
Something you find on a fire engine: “Coal..”
A famous royal: “Mail..”
Something you do before going to bed: “Sleep..”
An item of clothing worn by the Three Muskateers: “A horse..”
An animal you see at the zoo: “Dog..”
Something you might do in a power cut: “Read a book..”
A famous Parisian landmark: “Hawaii..”
One of Harry Enfield’s characters: “Sooty..”
A famous Irishman: “Disraeli..”
The first place detectives look for fingerprints: “The floor..”
Something you associate with the sea: “A coffin..”
A famous Arthur: “Shakespeare..”
A type of cut: “Skull..”
A weapon in the game of Cluedo: “Dice..”
Something people take to the beach: “Turkey..”
A reason someone digs a hole in the road: “Grave digger..”
An ingredient in chicken stuffing: “Chicken..”
Something a girl should know about a man before marrying him: “His name..”
A bird with a long neck: “A blackbird..”
A bird with a long neck (2): “Naomi Campbell..”
An item of clothing a woman might borrow from a man: “Underpants..”
Something taken from a hotel as a souvenir: “The lamps..”
Something you keep in a garden shed: “A gardener..”
A song with moon in the title: “Blue Suede Moon..”
A famous cowboy: “Buck Rogers..”
A famous Wild-West character: “Wild Bill Eacock..”
Something you’d associate with the three bears: “Red Riding Hood..”
Fruit used in fruit salad: “Cucumber..”
Something you wear on the beach: “A deckchair..”
A method of cooking fish: “Cod..”
Something you borrow from your partner: “Shoes..”
A part of the body beginning with N: “Knee..”
A famous Scotsman: “Vinnie Jones..”
A famous Scotsman (2): “Jock..”
Something red: “My cardigan..”
A kind of ache: “Fillet-o-fish..”
Something you open other than a door: “Your bowels..”
Something with a hole in it: “A window..”
Something you do in the bathroom: “Decorate..”
Something you put on walls: “Roofs..”
A domestic animal: “A leopard..”
Something that floats in the bath: “Water..”
Something in the garden that’s green: “The shed..”
Something a blind man might use: “A sword..”
The last thing you take off before going to bed: “Your feet..”
Something that flies without an engine: “A bicycle with wings..”
Taken from here: Funny Family Fortunes Answers.
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